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Biography
1975: I am ejected, wailing, from my mother's womb.
I come home from the hospital to begin life in a small house in Abington, Pennsylvania.
1977: My brother Rich comes screaming into the world, destined to be my best friend and boon companion.
1980: I begin schooling at the Miquon School in Miquon, PA.
I begin a long career of tomboyhood, characterized by messy hair and a wardrobe consisting entirely of variations on a theme of sweatpants.
My talents in the world consist of playing superheros, exploring the woods, and catching crayfish.
Circa 1985: I discover boys. Nothing will ever be the same.
Circa 1986: I discover that I am actually good at several sports. I develop a reputation for knocking down perfectly nice boys on the soccer field.
Fall 1987: I fall in love for the first time, and write some of the worst love poetry known to man.
June 1987: I graduate from Miquon with a beautiful diploma and a horrifying graduation-day rendition of Whitney Houston.
I forget a copy of my graduation speech, but do somehow manage to deliver a speech that begins, "Put a duck on a lake..."
September 1987: I begin 7th grade at Springside School, an all-girls school in Philadelphia.
I discover the joys of wearing a school uniform. I also discover I am better at school than I thought I was.
December 1987: Boys discover me. Ahh, the irony.
Circa March 1987: I endure my first breakup. I discover that I am heartless, cruel, can turn my emotions on and off with a switch, and am a shiksa to boot. Ahh, the things you learn about yourself.
1988: I begin taking Latin...and almost fail it. The irony will not escape me when I eventually decide to major in Classics.
My writing career begins in earnest. I spend hours trading and critiquing pieces with my friend Fran.
I learn to type, and reward my family by writing "Battle Maiden," my first fantasy novel.
I fail to finish it a year later when I suddenly realize it's a romance novel--but not before writing my first love scene, which contains the fateful words, "Why didst thou not tell me it was thy first time?"
Winter 1988: I discover volleyball. Angels sing.
I discover musicals and movies simultaneously, and proceed to drive my family crazy while I learn to sing. Forever after, the words "Les Miserables" are destined to strike terror into the hearts of my parents.
Just when my parents think it's safe to venture into my room again, I memorize every line of "The Princess Bride."
1989: My family moves from Abington, PA to Collegeville, PA. We acquire a small farm and spend approximately five months moving, during which my entire family barely escapes murdering each other. Note to self: Hire a moving company.
I discover opera while eating Rizzo's pizza with my Dad in our empty house in Abington. "Madama Butterfly" will forever after taste of pepperoni to me.
1989: I discover parties. I also discover that smart boys who play Dungeons and Dragons, read sci-fi and fantasy, listen to rock music, and think about social issues are cool. 17 years later it will be conclusively proven to me that some things never change.
Spring 1989: I endure my second breakup, during which I am, unfortunately, not on the receiving end of any bad names at all. I write more--slightly less hideous--heartbroken love poetry.
Ultimately this results in my getting a poem which has--luckily for the readers--nothing at all to do with love published in a real student literary magazine, "Voices Across the Wires."
1990-1991: I develop a political conscience, together with a penchant for Jethro Tull, courtesy of True Love. Ahh, self esteem.
I plaster my walls with every article on the Gulf War I can find, along with "Abortion on demand, without apology" bumper stickers. This fails to win me the object of my affections, but does have the unforeseen side effect of doing good in the world.
Summer 1991: I host a French exchange student, Lilian. He witnesses the premier of the first French-language performance of "Dark Shadows," as well as my first, terrifying attempts to drive in downtown Philadelphia. Lilian does learn a valuable English sentence from the experience: "How much do I have to pay you not to kill me?!" My mother also gains a valuable French sentence: "Je suis un vampire!"
Abby and I learn how to say "hide the bodies" in French ("cachez les cadavres," in case you're curious).
1991-1992: I take the helm of the Springside Literary Magazine, the newly-renamed Alternate Voice. Under my leadership, we publish more issues a year than any previous team. We also play more games of "Do you wanna buy a duck" during meetings than any previous team.
I attend my first prom. Pictures are taken, but are later burned.
Spring 1992: I travel to Rome on a Latin trip, where I use my newfound Italian skills to argue with a priest over approximately 200 lira in change for a postcard. My friend John is picked up by Italian men.
Summer 1992: I travel to France on a French exchange trip. I stay with Lilian. I visit every castle I possibly can, which will later inadvertently get me into college. I watch "Alien" in French. I learn to play French video games, during which I learn fun and useful French terms like "Boule de feu" ("Fireball").
1992-1993: I am elected most valuable player of my volleyball team. But, more importantly, my mother is elected most valuable parent for her Chocolate Chip Cream Cheese brownies.
I write an essay on French castles and get accepted to what my mother calls "Fucking Yale."
I acquire a boyfriend and an internship at the Philadelphia branch of NPR, in that order.
I graduate from Springside. It rains.
On the way to Cape Cod from Philadelphia, my boyfriend totals our minivan on his learner's permit. No injuries are sustained, except for my pride. The policeman tells us he never wants to see my boyfriend in New Haven again, which is unfortunate as I am about to attend college there.
September 1993: In my first act as a Yale student, I lock myself out of my dorm room.
Meanwhile, my parents and their uncovered pickup truck break down in the Bronx and are delayed while the truck is repaired by a repairman with a satellite dish attached to his forehead. This apparently aids him in receiving signals from space.
October 1993: I am rejected for a total of 8 a cappella singing groups. I am, however, accepted into the Freshman Chorus, where I make many new friends.
Winter 1993: I play NERO for the first time. I spend most of the fall avoiding it, only to attend again and become hooked in December.
I meet John. Neither of us understand the importance of this at the time, and he spends most of our first conversation calling me "Elsa."
I stoically avoid email and the World Wide Web, claiming that electronic media will never be as intimate and personal as pen and paper.
Spring 1994: I am converted to email. Like most late converts, I am an instant zealot.
I make my first forays onto the World Wide Web and admire the gray backgrounds and blue links.
I attend a prom and lose a boyfriend, all in one weekend. My college friends lay bets on the outcome, but they all lose because, as they explain, "No one thought you would be enough of a bitch to break up with him at the prom." Somehow this fails to make me (or him) feel better.
Summer 1994: I discover the joys of retail. In between shifts, I commute to NERO and meet an older man. More poetry ensues.
Fall 1994: I take over management of The Used Book Agency (TUBA), and discover that free time is a myth. So are lasting relationships with men who are already out of college. Sophomore slump, however, is not a myth.
I join the Yale Glee Club...and learn that, among the uninitiated, this phrase sounds like "The Ugly Club." (Typical polite comment: "Ohhh....They have a club for that?")
Winter 1994: Yale wins The Game.
I declare a major in Classics (Ancient Greek). I begin practicing the sentence, "Would you like fries with that?"
I attempt to date my best friend.
Spring 1995: I fail.
Summer 1995: I begin work as a correspondent for Montgomery Newspapers, reporting on the important New Era bankruptcy case. I learn fascinating things about journalism, the legal system, and interpersonal communication.
I also become a target for everyone with an opinion on the case...which is everyone in Philadelphia.
Fall 1995-Spring 1996: I take the best set of courses ever, including courses on Camelot, Reproductive Biology, and Greek.
I live in a single for the first time and discover that I do much better with plenty of personal space. This does not prevent me from having a fantastic time with the cool people in my entryway.
I learn HTML in a weekend and build my first Web page for an assignment for my Camelot class. I manage not to use a single animated GIF...but only because I don't know about the <IMG> tag.
I play a large amount of NERO. Through the intercession of mutual friends I discover the wonders of younger men.
Summer 1996: I travel to Asia with the Glee Club. We travel to Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Singapore, Seoul, Kobe, and Tokyo. I discover that Hong Kong is one of the coolest places in the world, and that people in Asia are the most hospitable anywhere.
I also discover that I do not like sea cucumber, and I eat a lot of white rice. I escape Singapore without a single fine.
My friend Meredith and I are picked up in a Kobe train by a Japanese man, who conveys through gestures that American women are comparatively well-endowed. We escape relatively unscathed.
1996-1997: I discover that majoring in Classics has its disadvantages...like all the Greek courses.
I compensate by taking a class in the Victorian Novel with all of my friends. At the end of the year I write a play adapted from all of the novels we read, which all of my friends perform for our TA. We nominate our TA for the teaching prize, which she wins.
After a particularly rough fiction class, I write an email to the NERO mailing list about the difficulties of writing science fiction and fantasy. John replies and we exchange a few interesting emails.
May 1997: I exchange emails and later meet with the owner of a small computer company in Boston. Despite the fact that the email I send him includes the signature "Suicide is the only way to avoid being eaten by the undead," by some miracle, I am offered a job.
I graduate from Yale. It rains.
June 1997: I move to the Boston area and move in with my boyfriend and his best friend, thereby creating entirely new interpretations of the saying "Three's a crowd." Unfortunately, the crowd is me.
I begin work at Cambridge Computer Services as a member of the Corporate Sales team. Several friends attempt to perform an intervention, but luckily for my future they all fail.
August-September 1997: After plans with 3 possible roommates fall through, I manage to make desperate arrangements to live with Owen, a friend of a friend who has just moved to Boston.
We manage to locate the least reliable real estate agent in Boston and make use of his services. Despite missing several meetings, he does manage to show up to have us sign the lease. We also manage to acquire the keys to our new Cambridge apartment after only three trips into Brookline.
Owen plays Mozart's Requiem as we move in, by which I know everything is going to be fine.
Fall 1997: I move to the Document Technologies team and begin work with the NetObjects product line. I organize our first NetObjects seminar.
My Dad buys me a Toyota Corolla as a late graduation present and takes back the Jeep Wrangler I have been driving. Shortly thereafter, he wraps it around a tree on a rainy night. My Dad escapes relatively unharmed. The Jeep does not.
December 1997: I acquire a gray kitten and name him Loki, after the Norse god of mischief. Soon afterwards he begins to live up to his name, and I am destined to wish I had named him something peaceful and cuddly, like Sunshine or Cutie Pie.
February 1998: Fortunately, I break up with my boyfriend right before Valentine's Day, so I can cancel all those pesky romantic plans.
We become a NetObjects Authorized Training Center and hold our first NetObjects Fusion classes. Our first class takes approximately a week to set up and therefore yields a return on investment in the negative numbers. Luckily, we all learn from this experience.
Spring 1998: In an effort to increase my creative writing efforts, I write a get-back-in-touch email to John. I have no ulterior motives at all.
John writes back, with no ulterior motives at all. We continue to correspond, with no ulterior motives at all.
We begin dating in April.
Summer 1998: In a hairy choice between San Francisco, Hawaii, and Boston, John actually decides to move to Boston. He moves in with a friend in Newton and begins work at the new CompUSA in Central Square, which is built explicity for his arrival.
John and I endure several months of agony as the Romeo and Juliet of the computer world. Our love is forbidden: I work for a value-added reseller...he works for a computer superstore. The world must never know.
Luckily, John gets a job at GTE Internetworking right before I am forced to swallow poison.
Summer 2001: My friend Jessica introduces me to the joys of whitewater kayaking, John's favorite sport. Somehow I had never realized how much fun hanging upside down while strapped into a tiny plastic boat could be.
February 2002: John proposes atop Huayna Picchu, the mountain above Machu Picchu. I somehow manage to stop panting from the long climb long enough to accept.
Summer 2002: John and I decide that getting married would be a lot more fun without the pesky wedding planning.
Winter 2002: Realizing that life is just so much more...adventurous without a regular paycheck, I leave my full-time job at Cambridge Computer to embark on a career as an independent consultant and developer...not to mention a novel. Luckily for my landlord, I continue to perform consulting projects.
2003: Yep, still planning.
September 20, 2003: John and I get married. Our arch-nemesis takes over the reception with his ninja interns, and we are forced to fight them off in hand-to-hand combat to the tune of our wedding song, the Mission Impossible theme. Yes, our marriage is off to a good start.
Winter 2003: Ahhh. No more planning.
But now everyone wants grandkids. The horror!
April 2004: John and I join a group of friends to field a team for the Boston 48-hr film project, in which filmmakers attempt to write, shoot, and edit a short film within 48 hours. We all escape relatively unscathed... unless you consider a new life-altering addiction to be harmful. After 48 hours with no sleep John, as the director, brings new meaning to the phrase "night of the living dead."
The end result is Sneaky Camel Productions, a small independent film company. Because, y'know, I didn't have enough to occupy my free time.
Summer 2004: I join the Boston kayak polo team--because kayaking wasn't exciting enough without five people on the opposing team trying to push you over to get the ball. I start playing in an effort to improve my kayaking skills, but end up working on my ability to breathe underwater instead (so far, no luck--but the waters of Spy Pond are intimately familiar with my lungs).
Fall 2006: I fly to sunny Colorado to play in the kayak polo Nationals. Much to my own surprise, my team wins the women's division. I'm certain that this would win me vast fame and fortune...if only anyone else knew what kayak polo was.